12.22

I remember this being my mandatory tradition every year. Not attending, quite obviously. I was a dancer. Well. Realistically, dance was my life. I had no other passion as intense. And on top of the average of ten classes I’d attend every week, I dedicated my free time to Competition practice on Fridays and Nutcracker rehearsal on Saturdays. There was no other place I preferred to be. And somehow, with an insane amount of girls running around the studio, we managed to put together a performance for sold out shows every December.

These were the memorabilia that my mother thought was important. Rather than telling her daughters how proud she was. She kept every sheet of paper that proved we were part of the Academy. I guess its kind of cool for me now, because I certainly cannot remember all the roles I’ve performed over the years. I know I tried to do all of them, but I wasn’t involved young enough to do the mouse role, which both my sisters did a few times. That’s okay.. those fluffy jumpsuits would have been incredibly unflattering.

I miss all of this way too much. Besides mandatory grade school, dance was the biggest part of my life. Unforeseen circumstances stole that from me, and now I have no way of gaining back that sense of purpose. Everything feels lack luster nowadays. I have these memories, but its not the same. Can someone build a time machine?

12.6

I remember coming here to try on some dresses for prom one year in high school. There was a locally owned store in here that sold fancy dresses. It was basically a thrift shop for high school girls in the spring and fall. And it was certainly tiny. They had it stuffed full of frilly skirts and the walls were lined with silk and sparkle. I didn’t want any of that, though. I wanted something simple. But apparently, simple is the most expensive.. and hardest to find in my size.

This “mall” is really just a hallway lined with more stores in the center of a larger strip mall. I’ve always thought that to be funny. They thought of themselves as a completely separate unit. I guess it would have been fine, had they been a thriving community. Instead, I rarely saw more than 3 open stores/businesses in there. And I don’t know when, but practically every business in this whole area went under. Expect Secretary of State. Those fuckers drain money out of citizens.

I never bought anything from this dress shop. There really wasn’t anything I’d wear. But I did get a few hilarious pictures. One in particular of my rear in a weird stringy mesh thing. And thinking back, I’m pretty sure I went shopping with my Grandma. How weird is that. So, I’ll just edit that memory to replace her with my bestie. That sounds so much better.

12.5

I remember when this was the song of my people. And when I say my people, I mean my fellow dancers. But I really mean just me. I can’t recall if my mom sort of forced this onto me, or if it started with my Godmother. It does sound like something my mom would do.. But I kind of liked it. She has a pretty voice, and it definitely rang true to me.

My godmother is the one who gave me the CD. She wrote an inscription inside the case, which the only reason I still have this at all. It was a gift at one of my dance recitals. Usually people gave me flowers, but those always wilted and shriveled. These are the performance gifts that I liked. I could cherish it for as long as I wanted. Or for as long as CD players still exist.

I don’t think this singer ever became too well-known. Unless I just completely missed it. Which is possible! No matter what, this song will always be a part of my dance career, as short as it was. I just don’t really know what to do with the CD. I’d feel guilty if I just threw it away. It was a gift from someone who can’t afford to lavish those she loves like she wants. It meant the world that she gave me anything at all.

10.31

I remember when my best friend and I discovered sudoku. I think it was back in high school. I don’t remember how it came up, but we took to it pretty damn quick. I used to walk around with a book of sudoku puzzles. And I think we both focused on finishing a few before we fell asleep every night.

I don’t want to call it mind-numbing, but it was a perfect way to calm down before bed. It stimulates the brain; keeps it active. But in a way that puts everything else from your day on the back burner. All worries just fade away, and its the easiest way to hit the pillow and instantly be out.

It was important to me to have some sort of escape back in high school. I had dance lessons, but I eventually had to go home. And one way to let go of my frustration towards my mom was to fill in some numbers once the security of room rescued me. I stopped for a while once my dad and I moved out. But a few years later, I realized that college was similarly stressful. Now I try to make a point to complete a few puzzles every week, even though real adult life isn’t as bad.

10.30

I remember hating coming here. I had surgery on both my feet a few years back, and my doctor recommended a few weeks of physical therapy once everything had healed. First off, the surgery killed off any remaining dance ability my feet held. Plus, the recovery time spent on crutches depleted all muscle mass I had in my ankle region. So, these appointments were frustrating.

I couldn’t pull a rubber band. I couldn’t push their hand. I couldn’t even balance on one foot for longer than ten seconds. And this is from a girl who spent fifteen years studying formal ballet. I was embarrassed. And I’m embarrassed that I still haven’t recovered fully. Of course, that might have been my fault.

I know I needed the surgery eventually. And it was better for my health and recovery to do it before my body started decaying. But I never expected to lose 90 % of my physical ability. Pretty early on, I lost hope and sort of gave up. It kept me in a rut and that significantly hindered my PT. I still can’t do half the things I used to, but my pain is gone. And that’s probably a positive for moving forward.

10.7

I remember dancing down on that floor. Well, the basketball floor. They pull that up when big crowds like this occur. But this was back in high school, when I was finally comfortable with my dancing abilities. We joined together with our sister Academy about an hour away. Our company had been invited to perform during the halftime show of one of the WMBA games.

Now, I’m not big into sports. So I’m not even sure what teams were playing, but I still thought this was a big deal. Normally we just did little performances at the local high school or traveled to some state competitions. But this was big. Even though the seats were far from full, this was definitely more than we had ever performed for. Well, that I had performed for.

It wasn’t meant to be anything precise or competition worthy. We threw the piece together last minute and went to have fun. We needed the experience, and none of us regret putting in those extra hours of practice.

10.5

I remember when this used to be the dance studio. Of course, that was back when I was super little. Back before they had their own building. There was only one dance room in here. And a small dressing room for all the dancers. And as the business took off, there was an obvious need for more space.

I must have taken classes in this building for only the first and second year, as I definitely remember still being little when we moved to the new building. Since there was only one room here, there were definitely fewer classes to pick from. I eventually went on to try out every type of dance available, and ultimately settled on some favorites.

I could possibly be mistaken, but I’m 98% sure that this was also the post office at one point. Maybe before the studio was here, but most likely after we moved to our new spot. Years later, the city built a whole new building dedicated just to the post office. And this was empty for a while. A few businesses have moved through, but nothing sticks anymore.

5.31

I remember performing here during Island Fest. It was years ago, though. The Academy has since stopped participating in everything, with the exception of the parade. But we used to perform a few of our recital pieces here in the hangar for anyone who wanted to watch. It was mainly parents, as most of us were rather young and mischievous when left alone. It was nice to have a crowd. It was nice to pretend that people cared about the actual dance, rather than gloating about their precious baby angel child.

We used the same floors no matter where we went. They were a certain material, perfect for dance. They’d be rolled up and stored for most of the year, but when it came time for performances, there would be a crew of volunteers to set up our stage. I miss those floors. My body became conditioned to recognize their feel. I would know it was safe to move; to let it all out. I haven’t felt those floors in years. And its almost like everything is building up. Every now and then I find myself busting out a few moves at home, but quickly stopping because my feet get stuck.

I don’t really know why we stopped performing here every year. Maybe we had to pay? That sounds unreasonable, however. I don’t know. I just miss it all.

5.11

I remember getting this as a consolation prize at one of my dance competitions. Not that I needed a free gift; we won Platinum for all of our performances. I think I was in two of them. Both were on pointe. Honestly, I didn’t think we did that well. Okay, I didn’t think I did that well. But I’m very picky about my performances. My writing, too, but that’s completely different.

I think we received a trophy as a group, but individually we just got pins. Not much to show off, but our placement in the competition was more for my ego. We did all have matching sweaters and sweat pants, and only the competition girls were allowed to own them. Which worked, because it consisted of the same group of girls for quite a few years.

I really don’t know why I’ve held onto this for so long. It’s a frisbee, but it’s a very useless frisbee. I can’t imagine that foam flies very well. But I’d hate to get rid of this. It is a memory, but perhaps a bad one. It just reminds me that I will never dance again.

3.24

I remember that they used to know me by name. On top of spending four days a week after school in dance class, I spent most of my Saturdays working on Nutcracker choreography. There was always a break in there somewhere and it was usually reserved for homework and food. The Island bakery was always my first choice, at least when I had the money. It was a short walk, but it got pretty cold sometimes in just tights and a leotard. I don’t think I minded too much, the food at the bakery was worth the effort. They had the most amazingly greasy pizza and soft, frosted sugar cookies. I would usually take the quick trip by myself, because none of the girls I danced with were what I could consider friends. Sometimes I’d take a trip for the secretary, and bring her back a treat or two.

I stopped buying my favorite meal at the bakery when I stopped dancing. I wish I hadn’t stopped. I would give anything to be able to take classes again. But life gets in the way. Or divorces happen. Every so often I make a stop at the bakery. I’d venture there more often if I had someone to accompany me. I guess not many people understand the superb deliciousness of a local bakery. But maybe I just don’t know many people anymore. I still get my usual. The pizza is still greasy, and the cookies still melt in my mouth. I’m always worried that they’ll close down. All these money-hungry corporations are famous for screwing over local businesses. But I suppose the people are to blame as well. If consumers weren’t so concerned with saving 25 cents on a loaf of bread, life would be good.